The year of my birth was 1963. I was born in South Tidworth in the county of Wiltshire, which is itself in south western England. My parents first met while they were touring Europe with a circus in which they were both sideshow acts. My father was billed as "Tinicules: The World's Strongest and Hairiest Scottish Midget!" and his act consisted of lifting a variety of heavy things above his head, including "Holy Bob O'Malley: The World's Fattest Priest!", another of the resident acts. "Big Tom", my father's shill at that time had a sister who was also part of the circus' sideshow, she was billed as "Pin Cushion Pam: The Piercing Persian Princess". Pin Cushion Pam's act consisted of a variety of body piercing displays guaranteed to astonish. The first time my father saw Pam she had knitting needles shoved through both cheeks and was busily inserting a third. It was love at first sight. They were married the very next day by Holy Bob, with "Scary Billy the elastic Redneck" as best man.

For their honeymoon they flew to Tibet where they visited the Dalai Lama. On their return flight they were involved in the infamous 1958 Trans-Air airline disaster. In order to survive for the three weeks that they were lost in the Alps my parents had to eat several of the other passengers. Upon returning to England my father, psychologically scarred by his experiences in the Alps, became almost reclusive and gained weight until at a height of four feet three inches he weighed over seven hundred and eighty pounds. My mother at this time was living in Bangkok barely making a living with her "Ping-pong" act. Under doctor's orders my father flew to Brazil where Hans Krautenz, a former Nazi war criminal, performed what is now widely acknowledged as being the first Liposuction operation ever performed. Returning newly svelte from Brazil, my father and mother (who by then had saved enough to buy passage home) resumed their normal lives.

I was born a year later almost to the day. My parents settled in the north west of England and lived off the plentiful money my father made shaving himself and selling the hair for gentlemen's wigs.

Continued next time: How my parents kept me in a wooden box until I was 25 years old.